I just finished watching Pretty Little Liars. There was one moment which changed everything. One moment. When Hanna and Emily are on Emily’s porch and Hanna rests her head on her shoulder, I cried. I cried because at this moment I realized how truly lonely I am. It took me four months to figure this out.

Four months ago, I lost the three most important people in my life. My three best girl friends. All of them. In one night. That was the worst day of my life. I am the only person capable of losing three incredible people, who mean the world to me, in a split second. My world literally came crashing down. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t know what I did wrong. What do you do when your best friend makes you choose between her and your other best friend?

I told her I chose both of them. She told me we were no longer best friends. Just like that, it was over. I tried everything I could to try and piece our friendship back together, but all I did was make matters worse. I lost my other two best friends. Because of my decisions. Because of what I did. 

Why is it that I can lose the most important people in my life so easily? My friends are my everything. I always put them first. I always put them before me. I always try and see eye to eye. I always try. Always. But because I always put them above me, I always end up losing. Always. That’s just how my life is. I’m just a screw up who ends up losing all the important people in my life.

Four months later and here I am realizing how fucking lonely I am. I realized how impossible it is to live without a girl best friend. I miss everything about it. I miss the moments when we would just laugh about anything and everything. I miss our endless conversations about random shit and life. I miss our sleepovers. I miss the comfort of you guys sleeping by my side and knowing that we’re in this together. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I didn’t know it would be this hard. But it is. Honestly, I am so lost and confused. I know I have amazing friends but I no longer know what it feels like to rest my head on my best girl friend’s shoulder. I miss knowing that my best friend understands exactly what I’m going through. I miss knowing that my best friend understands what it’s like being a girl. I just miss everything. Oh my god. What did I do to myself? How did I end up here? How am I going to live my life without you?

I would give anything to have you back. Anything and everything. I would try a million times harder. I wish this were possible. I wish that I didn’t already know that things will never go back to the way they were. I wish you cared. I wish you missed me… even a little. But everything bone in my body is telling me that you’re better off without me and honestly, that thought kills me. It kills me to know that you’re happy without me. It kills me to know that you’ve found better people. It kills me to hear you call someone else your best friend. The worst part is knowing that you will never call me your best friend ever again. 

Why does life suck so fucking bad?

Why is there no one I can talk to who will understand and not tell me this ‘everything will be okay’ bullshit? 

Why is it that I have an amazing best friend, who I trust more than myself, and I don’t have the heart to cry on his shoulder?

It sucks that I’ve been holding this all in for so long.

It sucks knowing that things will never be the same.

It sucks that I will regret everything for the rest of my life.

Someone.

Please.

Help me.