Fuck you and fuck her too.

Over the past few days, I’ve come to realize that I don’t need you fuckers. After all the effort and pain I had to go through to try and fix this bullshit, I realized that all you did was make my life miserable. The past few months have been hell because I tried so hard to change things back to how it used to be.

I’ve realized that things will never be what is used to. I’ve realized that the reason I was holding on for so long was because I missed who you used to be and all the great memories we had together. 

Some of the things you guys say and do make me embarrassed to ever have called you guys my best friends. Embarrassed. I don’t understand how we were ever friends, because if I knew then what I know now (lol Backstreet Boys reference) then I wouldn’t have put up with all your bitching and drama.

All you guys ever do is talk. About everything and everyone. Even things that are unnecessary. That’s the reason why you had to deal with so much shit. That’s the reason why I had drama surrounding me every five seconds. Because you can’t stop fucking talking about people. 

Sometimes change is good.

Even though I’ve just realized it, my life without you has been great.

My new life motto is: “Fuck bitches, get money.” Because all girls are bitches and always find a way to fuck shit up.

Oh and it’s great that you and her are friends again. It’s just peachy. And the fact that she didn’t make you choose between them two, even though you are her bitch, just makes my life a whole lot better. Yeah. Fuck you.

I just finished watching Pretty Little Liars. There was one moment which changed everything. One moment. When Hanna and Emily are on Emily’s porch and Hanna rests her head on her shoulder, I cried. I cried because at this moment I realized how truly lonely I am. It took me four months to figure this out.

Four months ago, I lost the three most important people in my life. My three best girl friends. All of them. In one night. That was the worst day of my life. I am the only person capable of losing three incredible people, who mean the world to me, in a split second. My world literally came crashing down. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t know what I did wrong. What do you do when your best friend makes you choose between her and your other best friend?

I told her I chose both of them. She told me we were no longer best friends. Just like that, it was over. I tried everything I could to try and piece our friendship back together, but all I did was make matters worse. I lost my other two best friends. Because of my decisions. Because of what I did. 

Why is it that I can lose the most important people in my life so easily? My friends are my everything. I always put them first. I always put them before me. I always try and see eye to eye. I always try. Always. But because I always put them above me, I always end up losing. Always. That’s just how my life is. I’m just a screw up who ends up losing all the important people in my life.

Four months later and here I am realizing how fucking lonely I am. I realized how impossible it is to live without a girl best friend. I miss everything about it. I miss the moments when we would just laugh about anything and everything. I miss our endless conversations about random shit and life. I miss our sleepovers. I miss the comfort of you guys sleeping by my side and knowing that we’re in this together. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I didn’t know it would be this hard. But it is. Honestly, I am so lost and confused. I know I have amazing friends but I no longer know what it feels like to rest my head on my best girl friend’s shoulder. I miss knowing that my best friend understands exactly what I’m going through. I miss knowing that my best friend understands what it’s like being a girl. I just miss everything. Oh my god. What did I do to myself? How did I end up here? How am I going to live my life without you?

I would give anything to have you back. Anything and everything. I would try a million times harder. I wish this were possible. I wish that I didn’t already know that things will never go back to the way they were. I wish you cared. I wish you missed me… even a little. But everything bone in my body is telling me that you’re better off without me and honestly, that thought kills me. It kills me to know that you’re happy without me. It kills me to know that you’ve found better people. It kills me to hear you call someone else your best friend. The worst part is knowing that you will never call me your best friend ever again. 

Why does life suck so fucking bad?

Why is there no one I can talk to who will understand and not tell me this ‘everything will be okay’ bullshit? 

Why is it that I have an amazing best friend, who I trust more than myself, and I don’t have the heart to cry on his shoulder?

It sucks that I’ve been holding this all in for so long.

It sucks knowing that things will never be the same.

It sucks that I will regret everything for the rest of my life.

Someone.

Please.

Help me.

You are the only exception.

Have you ever had that moment where you notice someone who’s been there the entire time? You go about your daily routine and you see them and you wonder why you’ve never seen them before. Something about that person interests you whether it be their charm, appearance or atmosphere they give off. You’ve never met this person, but you see them everyday. Once you notice this person and you are intrigued, you see them everywhere, even if you’re not trying to find them. Some days you anticipate their presence. Why? You don’t know. There’s something about that person which intrigues you and yet gives you a sense of comfort.

You spend a lot of time comtemplating whether or not you should try and start a conversation. You know you’re extremely shy when it comes to talking to strangers. You know you’d never have the guts to even approach them. But to you, its okay. Admiring from a far is what you’re best at.

All the people you pass on the street, or sit next to on the bus… what if they were to be the best thing that ever happened to you? But it never did because, like any other person, you disregarded their presence and go about your day normally. Isn’t it a strange thing? To think that the person in front of you in the line for the cashier could be the person you need in your life at that very moment. Or the person who sits behind you at a restaurant could be the person of your dreams. Someone influential and inspiring. But you would never find out. Because its not typical of a person to start talking to a stranger out of hope and desire to find a loved one or a peer. How many amazing people have you walked passed, whom you will never meet? How many loving people have you stood by waiting for the bus, whom you will never meet? How many caring people have you held the door for, whom you will never meet? A few? Hundreds? Thousands?

I believe in nothing but the truth in who we are.

I used to think that I believed in God. Now I don’t know what I believe anymore. When I was younger, my parents thrusted Buddhism on me (and they still do) because it was just the custom and tradition. But I had no idea what it was even about. Then I went to Youth Conference two years in a row and was educated about God. It was a really blissful time. It felt like all my problems were solved because I had something to believe in.

Now that I’m older and have actually thought about it, I don’t know if I actually believe in God. I’m not going to say that I am an expert on all things Christian and God-related but from what I’ve seen and heard, I have started to be very skeptic about God. Apparently everything happens for a reason because it’s all in God’s plan. I understand that to every life there is death, but it’s strange thinking that deaths due to murder, motor accidents, suicide and other horrendous causes are all a part of God’s plan. Is God really the good guy if everything corrupted happening on Earth is part of his plan? Because I really do not understand it.

Religion in general confuses me and I know it’s a touchy topic. I think it’s good to have faith in something but after all those years of passing down religious information from generation to generation… how accurate is it? How many of these people actually believe in it because they do or because it’s what they were accustomed to? I am not trying to offend anyone. I am just letting my thoughts flow.

I don’t know if I’m an Atheist, or a Christian, or a Buddhist, or something else that I have yet to learn about. I feel like I’m an Atheist due to the lack of religion in my life, except for when I’m with my parents. I feel like I haven’t grasped any of my family’s traditions. There are some things discussed in Buddhism that I actually agree on and find enlightening but besides that it doesn’t play a signficant role in my daily life.

I feel as though I’m betraying my family and disgracing the generations before me because I barely know anything about my culture and there’s a slim chance that I’ll be passing it down.

Oh the conflicts of being a Canadian Vietnamese person.

My very first sonnet.

Anticipation runs straight through my hand
as I hold the ticket to what will be
the greatest night of my life. Understand
me when I say, the feeling of glee
that fills the atmosphere is overwhelming.
The familiarity of the artist
as they make their way onto the stage, bring
a sense of comfort. The largest
group of people together in one space
with one common love and passion for
music. We are all here in this birthplace
and together we join in a singing roar.
If it were even a possible endeavor,
I would live at a concert forever.

The whole world stops and stares for a while.

Have you ever seen someone so beautiful and stunning that all you can do is just sit there in awe and stare? I’m not saying that the world revolves around beauty because it definitely doesn’t, even though society has other ideas. The person who catches your eye is so breathtakingly gorgeous that it overwhelms you. It doesn’t even matter what gender they are or what sexual orientation you are. You know beauty when you see it. You’re not necessarily attracted either. It’s like the beauty of nature is standing in a subway, sitting on a bench, or walking down the stairs in the form of a living, breathing human. It’s refreshing.

Dear Anonymous #1,

You are probably my favorite person that I’ve ever had a crush on… err.. favorite crush? I don’t know how to say it. Just thinking about the days when I had a crush on you makes me smile. I love how in junior high we were close friends, but we never hung out just the two of us and then in high school we went our seperate ways. I barely ever saw you. Probably three times a year, at most. Then last year, I visited you and the rest of them and we ended up hanging out just the two of us. Back then I didn’t really think of you as anything more than a really attractive, hilarious friend.

It was a great day. One of my favorite days, actually. It was really simple and refreshing. We walked to the dollar store so I could buy the supplies for my project, and I ended up buying you candy because you’re a lard. Just kidding. Then we walked back to your school and we sat on the steps of the church right across the street. We sat there for hours talking about nothing and everything. I don’t think I have actually sat down with a person and genuinely talked to them in such a manner without distractions like phones, other people, movies, etc.

After that, I just knew. You were absolutely adorable (and you still are). Spring break arrived quickly, and we hung out more than I expected, with other friends of course. We went to the mall and aimlessly roamed around. It was fun. We ended up sitting on a couch and while the others were discussing some random topic, you and I were texting each other while we were sitting right next to each other. All I can remember is a bunch of beer emoticons and repeated letters. “Llllllllllllllllllllllll”. Haha. You’re hilarious. We had a movie night at my best friend’s house, after that. It was supposed to be a junior high reunion but there was only 6 of us there. When you arrived later in the night you sat by me and I just died a little on the inside. We all squished on the couch and the entire time I wanted to hold your hand. 

I’m glad I didn’t. I’m glad the crush was nothing more than just a little crush, because you are a really good friend that I would like to have forever. I didn’t want to mess things up because you were incredibly attractive, endearing, adorable and quite lovely. I mean.. you still are :D Now that I think about it, I miss you. And your boys :(

Love ya!

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air.

Sometimes I wonder why I’m in school doing something I barely have any interest in. I would be doing something I want to do… but I have no clue what that is. I’m stuck in a rut. I have no career related dreams or aspirations, and quite frankly, it sucks. I don’t even have a passion for everything except sleeping and eating. If I could make a career out of that I would. I wish I had some awesome talent so I could be some sort of professional. But no. I was born with nothing but good looks and a charming personality. Curse the world!

I’ve always thought about dropping out and travelling the world, with the non-existent money that I have. It would be freaking brilliant. I am quite fond of the idea of living for the moment, because you never know what might happen. I want to live my live to the fullest, doing outrageous and unforgetable things. But if I do that now, and completely forget about the future, then I will surely be screwed if I do live a long and healthy life. That’s why it’s so hard for me to do what I want. It’s either I do whatever or I plan for the future. It’s like I can’t do both, simultaneously at the same degree. Argh.

I just want to go to Australia. And Greece. And Italy. And the UK. And Spain. And the US.

WHY CAN’T I JUST FAST FORWARD TO THE PART WHERE I GET MY DEGREE AND GRADUATE?

Oh life.

But I’ll be there forever.

I think this subject deserved an entire post of its own. Not that everything I touched on earlier is less important.

Those. Jonas. Boys.

As soon as I even mention “Jonas Brothers”, every gay, lame, retarded etc. insult just shoots out of every condescending, narrow-minded, and judgemental person. No. Just back your ass up and walk the other direction, because I do not give a fuck what you think. The boys definitely do not give a damn what you think. You are not going to get a box of goodies on your doorstep for being a douche bag. So just walk on by.

Now that we have the haters out of the way…

These boys means everything to me. Everything. They’ve been through everything with me. They’ve gotten me through every up and down in life so far, and they’re gonna be there for the rest of my life. It’s a little bit silly to be so attached or ‘obsessed’ with a group of people who I have never met, and probably will never meet, but they have honestly done more for me than any other person has. So I want to thank them. I want to thank them for having a dream, believing in themselves, never giving up and achieving it. I want to thank them for breaking the mold of music, trying something different and succeeding. I want to thank them for loving their fans so dearly and because of this, they truly have the most incredible and loyal fans in the world. We are a family. I want to thank them for always being there for me, and for keeping my flame and spirit alive. I don’t think I could ever thank them enough.

Everytime I look at them now, I get a little teary eyed because of how far they’ve come. No, they might not be as ‘popular’ as they were a couple years ago, but they will always be in my heart. They’ve got an incredibly bright future ahead of them and I cannot wait to continue this journey with such brilliant, talented, sweet, genuine, adorable, hilarious, ridiculous, insane, loving, loyal, trustworthy, giving… (the list is endless) brothers.

Not only do I love Nick, Joe and Kevin Jonas, but I love every person involved with the success of their careers. The Jonas family. The band. The crew. The people who played their music on the radio. Everyone. Thank you for supporting the boys and making their dreams come true.

I feel like I am a part of something that will live on forever.

I’m am truly grateful and blessed to have them in my life. What I did to deserve them, I do not know.

The Jonas Brothers are the best thing about me and I could not be more proud to be a Jonas Brothers fan.